I would like to say that the solution to this problem is to simply return to the place where we last felt right. Of course, as with most spiritual problems, it is not always that easy. Our spiritual journey can not be measured in snapshots. The balance of experience, circumstances, education, acculturation, etc, all work together to make us who we are and who we are becoming. The narrative of our spiritual lives must stand as written, no matter how tempting it is to discard certain chapters and rewrite the story in a way that makes it more palatable to us in retrospect.
One example of this can be found in what is a common experience for many people. I was raised in a very small rural community in eastern NC. Coming up, I was a proud country boy and the very idea of living in any city was repulsive to me. I thought I would be content to remain in that small community for the rest of my life. Then life happened and through a series of events that could not have been anticipated, I found myself, at the tender age of 18, in a little apartment right in the middle of Ft. Wayne, Indiana; a city of about 180,000 people at the time. This country boy quickly became a city slicker and to this day (24 years later), I do not like rural communities. I am an urbanite through and through.
Over the years, there have been times when I romanticized about simpler times and wondered how my life might have been different had I never made a connection with a different way of living. But, try as I may, I have never been able to reconnect with that country boy again. Sure, there have been times when I returned and enjoyed the atmosphere, catching up with old acquaintances and remembering the good ole days. But the few times that I've returned to live in the region have been complete disasters. I was simply not happy and overcome with the absolute conviction that I would never be happy there again.
During the course of my life, fundamental changes have taken place in me. Who I was is not who I am today and who I am today is not who I will be in the future. I take all of my experience into tomorrow, both good and bad. This is not to say that I am adrift and at the mercy of life's currents to take me wherever it chooses. But when I sit down to appraise my life and attempt change, I can not deny the host of experiences that have brought me to where I am at any given moment.
As I have pondered these things, on the surface, I have had some difficulty in reconciling them biblically. One can not read the bible without recognizing that there is this ideal of being returned to a former state. In fact, one can argue that the central theme in the entire narrative of scripture can be summed up as the story of man's estrangement from God because of sin and the rediscovery of this relationship through Jesus.
Everything between these poles are illustrations and examples of these extremes. The history of Israel bears testament to this truth over and over again. One minute they are walking with God and oftentimes, before we can even turn the page they have forgotten Him and are lost. This duality of good and bad saturates the entire narrative of scripture.
Literature is one of my favorite subjects. One thing I've come to understand is that while a given story may have an overarching theme, there is usually allot more behind that theme that is not readily apparent or easily grasped. Yet it is these nuances that give the story its richness. In fact, that is what usually separates a literary masterpiece from a common book. There are layers upon layers of ideas and truth that are not perceived by a mere casual read. So it is, in my opinion, with scripture as it relates to this idea of returning to a former state.
Let's look at several examples in which Israel illustrates this point. One such example can be found in the fact the the people who left Egypt through God's divine intervention were not the same people who would later conquer and inhabit much of Canaan. As a matter of fact, the very person who God selected to be their deliverer was not the same person who lead them into their destiny. Then, the Israel, united under David and who prospered in unparalleled fashion under Solomon were later divided and have never fully reunited to this day.
One more example in Israel's history serves to illustrate this point more fully. The Jews who returned to Palestine from Babylonian/Persian captivity were forever changed. Sure, they rebuilt the city of Jerusalem and the temple, but even this was much different than its former state. Haggai, the prophet, recounts this difference in the story of the second temple's dedication (Hag 2). The old men, those who had seen and worshiped at the temple built by Solomon, wept when they saw the finished product of the rebuilt temple. Its glory and stature did not match their perception of the former temple. At the same time, the young men, not able to make such judgments, rejoiced at the work of their hands.
Historically, many of the ideas of religion within the Jewish community were forever altered by Babylonian, Persian, and later Hellenistic influence. One can easily trace many ideas as well as the creation of certain religious groups during the time of Christ to these factors. While the idea of returning to a former state is prominent in scripture, the very narrative itself bears out that this spiritual journey between the aforementioned poles has the power to change, for better or for worse.
How does all this relate to the work of spiritual recovery that I spoke of in the beginning? For almost a year now, I have tried to recapture passion for God and to appraise my understanding and place in this world as it relates to Him. Obviously, to those around me, there have been times when I've been more successful at this than others. During this time, I've seen more fully the fallacies of my own thinking. I understand that I created a God that fit my evolutionary journey from what I considered ignorance to enlightenment. The clinical God of my own making was easy to approach and contain. But, obviously, this God was a God without power and thus, incapable of affecting my life in any way. Perhaps, that is what I wanted...
As the pendulum swings, I've been back to where I used to be. I was raised in a classical Pentecostal church, preached as a revivalist for a good number of years and served as a pastor in this setting. Part of me wanted to believe that if I would just return to that and reconnect with who I used to be, everything would just come flooding back and I would somehow feel complete. And, there have been times when I felt so inclined and attempted to do so, but even this has failed to recapture anything of lasting value to me.
If I dwelt here I would have to simply quit and admit defeat. But, there is one scripture that brings me great consolation, arguably written by the Apostle John, late in the first century C.E.
"My loved ones, now we are the children of God, and at present it is not clear what we are to be. We are certain that at his revelation we will be like him; for we will see him as he is." (1 John 3:2, BBE)There is always this desire to return to familiar ground. However, the more I work at this discovery endeavor, I am beginning to understand that where I have been is not where I am going to find and experience God today. The opposite poles of a clinical approach to God on one hand and the familiar yet troubling classical Pentecostal approach on the other are mere distractions. Fact is, my spiritual journey is just that. It started the day I took my first breath and will continue until I take my last. I do not want to spend my life looking back at some benchmark or landmark as the ideal for which I am seeking. Nor do I want to be so fully preoccupied with the future that I can never be content with where I am today.
Is not that John's point in the scripture I quoted above? We are God's children, now. With all our flaws and evolving ideas, who we've been and who we are becoming... We are God's children in the present. What it will look like and who we will be in the future is a mystery. Everyone around us has ideas of what they think it is going to look like or should look like. We are constantly bearing the scrutiny of others who want to judge us based on snapshots of today. But, as stated earlier, one's spiritual journey can not be measured by snapshots.
So, in closing, I seek to temper these two states for which the Apostle Paul serves as an example:
"Brothers, it is clear to me that I have not come to that knowledge; but one thing I do, letting go those things which are past, and stretching out to the things which are before... "(Phil 3:13)
and
"But by the grace of God, I am what I am; and his grace which was
given to me has not been for nothing..." (1 Cor 15:10)
The balance between who I have been and who I am becoming is delicate and often difficult to maintain. But, I am confident that God is able to finish what he started (Phil.1:6). And, I am confident that no one, especially me, has any clue what it will all look like in the end. But, He does and in that, I can rest!
1 comment:
gr8 post.
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