So, when I think of Jesus, the portrait that comes to mind the most is that of a man, who starts out from Pilate's condemnation, carrying his own cross. Notice how John puts it:
So they took Jesus and led him away.
17 Carrying the cross by himself, Jesus went to the place called Skull Hill (in Hebrew, Golgotha).John 19:16-17 (NLT, emphasis added)
We wouldn't know this if it wasn't for the other men's renditions of the story, but both Matthew and Luke (and we'll ignore Mark with it's questionable ending for a moment) both name a man, a Cyrene (North Africa), named Simon, who was in Jerusalem that day, obviously there to observe the Passover. Because of the severe beating and loss of blood that Jesus endured, he falters and stumbles along that cobble stone path to Golgotha. Most likely being tapped on the shoulder with a Roman spear, Simon was compelled to lift the heavy beam off of Jesus' back and carry it to its final destination.
It is this portrait that comes to mind the most when I reflect upon Jesus and who he is. I can relate to that; I have stumbled myself many times under the weight of that cross, not being able to take another step forward without help.
As I was praying this morning, I began to read Psalms 22; we all should know it well. It starts out with that harrowing cry that Jesus made on the cross when he said:
1 My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?Psalms 22:1 (KJV)
I read these words and as I did, I realized why the portrait of the suffering Savior is so appealing to me. And it's found in the above words. "Why, Why have you forsaken me?" For all my changing and getting clean and opening my heart once again to truths I had long abandoned, I realized that I was still crying those same words. Abandonment is a powerful thing. It can leave you destitute and lost, with little recourse to help yourself.
Let's listen to the Psalmist further, cause it really is an embodiment of the opening words of this chapter; that is, what it meant for David/Jesus to feel forsaken:
why art thou so far from helping me, and from the words of my roaring?
2 O my God, I cry in the daytime, but thou hearest not; and in the night season, and am not silent. [...] 6 But I am a worm, and no man; a reproach of men, and despised of the people.
7 All they that see me laugh me to scorn: they shoot out the lip, they shake the head, saying, 8 He trusted on the LORD that he would deliver him: let him deliver him, seeing he delighted in him. [...] 12 Many bulls have compassed me: strong bulls of Bashan have beset me round.
13 They gaped upon me with their mouths, as a ravening and a roaring lion.
14 I am poured out like water, and all my bones are out of joint: my heart is like wax; it is melted in the midst of my bowels.
15 My strength is dried up like a potsherd; and my tongue cleaveth to my jaws; and thou hast brought me into the dust of death.
16 For dogs have compassed me: the assembly of the wicked have inclosed me: they pierced my hands and my feet.
17 I may tell all my bones: they look and stare upon me.
18 They part my garments among them, and cast lots upon my vesture.Psalms 22:1a-2, 6-8, 12-17 (KJV)
Hear the anguish in these words interspersed throughout this chapter (there are others but this is enough to illustrate my point)? Allow me please, some latitude as I paraphrase some of these sayings. "Why are you not helping me?" Ever felt that way? I have! "Why are you so far from my crying?" The King James here uses the word roaring. Every time I read that, my mind goes immediately to the Garden of Gethsemane and I hear Jesus roaring, "If it be your will let this cup pass from me..." You don't bleed through your pores without allot of anguish!
"I cry to you day and night and you don't hear me." Translation: you might as well be a million miles away! "My plight brings pleasure to those who would harm me. I am despised and a reproach and men laugh at me and they hate me and no one wants to see me succeed. Look at him, he's pathetic. He cries to his God, but, let us see if his God will come. If you are a/the Son of God, take your own self off the cross--or let your God do it. Maybe then we'll believe in you.
"I am surrounded by dangerous animals!" Usually during Roman crucifixions, four Roman soldiers would box the condemned in and lead him to his death. This is the portrait here that David paints. "They've hurt me! Torn my flesh like roaring lions, my bones are dislodged and I am poured out like water upon the ground. My heart melts and my bowels (emotions) are rotting within me. I hurt!
I have no strength; I can no longer help myself. My jaws ache and my tongue cleaves to the roof of my mouth;" I can't pray anymore. "Dogs compass me about; men and women want to devour me and use me and throw me away." Incidentally, I've often wondered if Jesus looked down from the cross and seen anyone who he had healed or touched or ministered too during his sojourn among us? Just a parenthetical side note, but an interesting thought indeed.
"They have stripped me of my vesture and here I stand, naked and alone. Everything I have of value has been stripped away and I stand before all men, naked and alone and vulnerable." What a portrait of abandonment. I hope I've not depressed you already, because listen, I'm not done yet.
Prayer has been an interesting thing for me lately. I think I understand more fully what Paul was saying when he said that the Holy Spirit helps our infirmities, helping us pray with groaning/utterances which "can not be expressed in words." (Romans 8:26b, NLT) It really feels like I have not bowed for so long that when I do, all I can do is cry. So, there I am praying early this morning, crying again and not really able to express anything but remorse. And then He quickens my mind and I reach for my bible and open it to this chapter.
All of sudden, He spoke. (Let me just answer a critic that is reading this post today. If you can no longer believe in a God that can speak to the heart of man, then you need to fall on your face and ask God to once again show you who He is.) "Chris, you really need to let it go; you need forgive Me." Oh, I was shocked, almost horrified! "Oh, no, surely, I didn't hear that one right. I need to forgive my grandfather and my grandmother for never calling back before she died and colleagues who watched me crash and burn and wagged their finger at me with no consideration for their own vulnerability." All I can say here is,"Oh God, help me please!"
Every morning, most of the day, I bask in His mercy and love. I write these blogs and I feel good about where I am. But, all of sudden, I realized that what He said was true, and it humbled me beyond anything that you can imagine. All my life, at least from the moment I felt called to the ministry and then exploited by the very same church that should have nurtured and directed that call, I have felt lost, on that cross alongside my Savior, crying "why have you forsaken me..." I have faltered and been bowed down in shame under the weight of my calling and cross... and I realized this morning that I have despised God for it...
I understand now why I fought so hard to make myself believe that He really did not exist, at least as I had been taught to believe in Him. It was because I felt abandoned and forsaken. "You lead me to this cross; you put this burden upon me! All You've done is make a spectacle out of me before all who have ever known me. My addictions and failures and pain have all made me a laughing stock before the dogs and people who hate me and wish me nothing but harm. My cries, whether early in the morning or late at night, have all been ignored... and here I sit, with no recourse to help myself. I am broken and hurting and lost and you've been there watching me suffer, as if it pleased you to bruise me... How much more of me can be spilled upon the ground? My God, why have you forsake me?"
You say, "Chris, don't say these things! How arrogant of you to be angry at God!" But, you see, when I hear David and Jesus cry these words, I feel anger, pain, and loss. But, what I realized this morning is that I've never ever been able to make that transition from "why have you forsaken me" to "it is finished!" All the sermons I've preached over the years, prayers I've prayed over hurting people... I was able to comfort others, but myself, I could not save. While the Cross is an ongoing experience in the life of the Christian, it's death is meant to bring life and peace and satisfaction. And while I've always known that, it has never penetrated my heart.
I resisted; I got up from where I was kneeling and I began to walk and tell Him how sorry I was and that I forgive this person and that person and this church and this Bishop and this colleague... My wife and I were talking some time ago and we were discussing forgiveness. See, the people that I hate the most, and I have to own those feelings, are dead and buried and I can't get to them. I can't tell them what they did to me and how they hurt me. My lovely wife, a woman strong in spirit and discernment, told me that those people had stood before God and that God had let them know what they had done... As much as I despise them, I truly believe that they are in heaven, resting in God today. I know what my wife was saying and I believed it to be true, whether or not I wanted to hear it at the time or not.
In an instant, the Holy Spirit spoke to me again, almost ignoring what I was saying. "If you forgive Me, it will take care of them." Oh! "How can you say that to me? How can you be their eternal habitation? Didn't you see what they did to me? They're dogs and bulls and they compassed me about to harm and devour me...." Then came His reply, and I knew it well: "Father forgave them because they didn't know what they were doing...." They know now; they've seen me struggle and seen my pain in a different way; God the Father wiping their tears....
I struggle to bring this to a conclusion today. Tears stain my cheek and fall to the floor as I ponder these truths. The cross: the greatest instrument of torture in my life, that place where I have grown comfortable, accustomed to its pain and hurt and destruction. It's been a familiar place; its laments have been my life's overarching theme. But, I hear God today as I have never heard Him, and I forgive Him. Even as I write these words, I feel a release that I have never felt before. Sure, he didn't really do anything wrong, but I thought he did. Did Jesus really feel forsaken? Absolutely!
As I prayed with my wife last night, I mentioned the picture in Genesis 1 where its says the Spirit hovered over the deep: the expanse of destruction and nothingness. God spoke and the Spirit created. "Let there be light!" Thee Holy Spirit flung the sun, moon, and stars into the heavens. "Let there be dry land!" The Holy Spirit brushed back the waters and made land appear. I feel like I am that expanse of nothingness and He is making me anew, over, doing something in me that I've never known.
I hasten to close; listen, as I draw this to a conclusion, with the other words of this chapter that I did not quote above:
But thou art holy, O thou that inhabitest the praises of Israel.Amen!
4 Our fathers trusted in thee: they trusted, and thou didst deliver them.
5 They cried unto thee, and were delivered: they trusted in thee, and were not confounded. [...] 9 But thou art he that took me out of the womb: thou didst make me hope when I was upon my mother's breasts.
10 I was cast upon thee from the womb: thou art my God from my mother's belly.
11 Be not far from me; for trouble is near; for there is none to help. [...] 19 But be not thou far from me, O LORD: O my strength, haste thee to help me.
20 Deliver my soul from the sword; my darling from the power of the dog.
21 Save me from the lion's mouth: for thou hast heard me from the horns of the unicorns.
22 I will declare thy name unto my brethren: in the midst of the congregation will I praise thee.
23 Ye that fear the LORD, praise him; all ye the seed of Jacob, glorify him; and fear him, all ye the seed of Israel.
24 For he hath not despised nor abhorred the affliction of the afflicted; neither hath he hid his face from him; but when he cried unto him, he heard.
25 My praise shall be of thee in the great congregation: I will pay my vows before them that fear him.
26 The meek shall eat and be satisfied: they shall praise the LORD that seek him: your heart shall live for ever.
27 All the ends of the world shall remember and turn unto the LORD: and all the kindreds of the nations shall worship before thee.
28 For the kingdom is the LORD'S: and he is the governor among the nations.
29 All they that be fat upon earth shall eat and worship: all they that go down to the dust shall bow before him: and none can keep alive his own soul.
30 A seed shall serve him; it shall be accounted to the Lord for a generation.
31 They shall come, and shall declare his righteousness unto a people that shall be born, that he hath done this.Psalms 22:3-5, 9-11, 19-31 (KJV, emphasis added)
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